On 25 March 2009 my pregnant wife woke up with terrible pains on her stomach, since she was very close to her due date, we immediately thought she was having the baby and I rushed her to the hospital. When we came there, they could not feel a pulse and declared the 36 week year old baby dead. The gynaecologist said my wife was in great danger, as her whole stomach was drenched in blood. Luckily they could save my wife, but not my son.
Later that day, they took me and my wife to see the dead baby. It was the most traumatic moment in my life! I cried from the bottom of my heart: I cried for all the lost dreams, I cried for all the special moments that would be lost forever between me and my son, I cried for the perfectly sculpted boy with no heart beat, whom I loved but never knew.
I never knew how that day would impact my life for the next couple of months:
- How differently I would look at other fathers playing with their baby sons
- Dealing with the grieving process (or not dealing with it-even worse)
- How difficult it would be to cope with the loss: a part of your own identity has died with the child.
- Dealing with my grieving wife and the huge impact on our marriage
- Finding my wife in the middle of the night; crying over the dead baby's photos
- Facing our best friends,that was pregnant with their son at the same time
- Facing people that was greatly unsensitive towards us and what we were going through
- How long it would take to get over the loss (and is still taking)
So what can this story mean for you, my dear blogger? Is there any lessons to be learnt?
Yes I think so, firstly that if you read the above story there must be some kind of new appreciation for life and that birth to a new born baby is not a given. Life can be taken away from you at any given time and we should live life to the fullest every day! Parents, appreciate your children and see them as life's biggest blessing!
Secondly, I think nobody actually knows how to deal with parents who had such a traumatic lose, like a death of child. So just a few pointers:
- Do not try and be smart and think you know what they are going through, because you don't!
- Sympathize: In most cases these parents would like to talk about their lose and it is good for the grieving process. Listening is your main job!
- If it is good friends of yours or close family: Phone or visit them regularly, long after the event. Ask them how are they coping?
Lastly, see your own problems in perspective: There are always people with a bigger heartache then yourself. There would always be another boy/girlfriend in time, your finances would get better over time and nobody will remember the things you did or said in a couple of months.
20 comments:
Hi Rikus
Ek is bitter jammer om te hoor van julle babatjie se dood. Jy is heeltemal reg dat ek geen idea het waardeur julle gaan nie. Ek het 3 kinders en ek het hulle lief gehad van die oomblik wat ek geweet ek ek was swanger en ek kan nie my lewe voorstel sonder een van hulle nie. Dankie vir die reminder...waardeer daadie klein bondletjies lewe elke dag!!
Alnere (du Plessis) Turck
Ricus, sjoe, my hart is so seer om van jou seer te lees...soos jy self sê, niemand kan raad gee as jy nie self in die situasie was nie. Mense kan vir jou allerhande raad gee, maar net jy kan jou eie seer en vrae verwerk. Ek dink verskriklik baie aan julle, en het weer met nuwe oë na my eie twee gekyk na ek jou storie gelees het, selfs met 'n sagter stem gepraat...dankie hiervoor...ek sal weer hier kom kuier en kyk hoe dit met julle gaan!
Rianza
Baie dankie Rianza en Alnerie vir julle kommentaar.
Ek het juis die blog geskryf sodat julle op nuut jul kinders kan waardeer en ook insig verkry in hoe ouers wat hul kinders verloor het, voel, en ook om emosioneel te vent
How did you manage to post a picture with the lady at your side. I was told that she does not like her photo on facebook and so on. Is that not on THAT tower in Paris. From the 60 year old.
Hi Rikus
As a father to a young son I know now that I cannot even start to imagine what you are going through.
Every day my heart bleeds for those fathers who lost children and for those children who never know the embrace of a loving father.
Rick - al het ek self iemand na aan my (my pa) lank gelede aan die dood afgestaan, bly dit vir my moeilik om ander se smart te verstaan. Belangrikste (en sadste) wat ek geleer het, is dat ander mense nooit sal verstaan wat binne in my aangaan nie. Dis my verantwoordelikheid om hulle te vertel. Dis iets wat vir my nog steeds onmoontlik is. Jy het dit vir jouself reg gekry met jou blog. Dankie vir die pointers - dit help ons, julle vriende, om julle bietjie beter te verstaan en te weet hoe om n baie sensitiewe situasie te hanteer. Mike Chemaly
Dankie Mike vir die woorde..aan die einde van die dag kan jy net jou eie pyn verwerk..niemand kan dit namens jou doen nie
Ek admireer die moed wat dit vat om jou pyn en weerbaarheid te deel. Ek voel hartseer vir julle. Flippen hel Ricus, dit is so 'n terrible, terrible ding. Jy's reg, mens kan nie eers begin om te verstaan nie. Pyn is 'n bogger, en as jy kon uitdeel sou ek van dit vir julle vat. In plaas daarvan stuur ek net vir julle my simpatie en liefde. Iona
Ai Ricus. Hier val ek vanoggend heel uit die bus uit....
Dankie dat jy jou gevoelens op 'n manier met ander deel.
Dis so waar, niemand ken die seer nie. Selfs nie diegene wat ook deur so iets is nie, want elkeen beleef, hanteer en verwerk dit anders. Ek stem 100% met jou saam oor jou tips vir vriende. Mense weet nie wat om vir jou te sê nie, dan maak hulle asof daar niks gebeur het nie, of hulle raak simpel goed kwyt, terwyl hulle eintlik maar net hoef te luister...
En sit mens nie met 'n stukkie selfverwyt nie? Wat kon ek gedoen het om dit te vermy??
Klink of jy en Heleen mekaar regtig ondersteun. Jy is 100% reg, dit verander jou huweliksverhouding. Ek wil vir julle, uit my eie ondervinding, nou net een ding baie mooi vra: PRAAT MET MEKAAR! Moet nooit julle gevoelens vir mekaar wegsteek of probeer sterk wees ter wille van die ander een nie! Dit werk nie! Huil saam. Moet mekaar nooit blameer nie, maar ook nooit mekaar se gevoelens of hartseer afmaak nie. Moet dit ook nie onderdruk nie, want dit feature wel een of ander tyd. Ek het met my huwelik ook "betaal", moet ASB nie toelaat dat dit met julle gebeur nie.
Sterkte, my vriend, vir jou en Heleen. Mens vergeet dit nooit, maar die seer word wel met tyd minder. Ek bid vir julle.
Met liefde, Lizáhn
Hi Swaer...ek is so bly jy het my vertel van jou blog en dat ek dit kon lees. En dat ek aanhou sal terugkom en lees. Jy weet hoe bekommerd ek oor Heleen was en is en sal bly maar ek was baie baie bekommerd oor jou ook en ek voel hierdie is jou manier. En ek het 'n groot sug van verligting gesug tussen my trane deur vir jou. Ek weet dit maak dit nie beter nie niks kan mos nie maar ek is bly jy skryf. Ek is bly om jou gevoelens te lees en kan beleef. Ek is hartseer en tranerig as ek net aan jou woorde dink...ek is so baie lief vir julle en wens iemand of iets kon julle help...wat ek moes leer is dat niks kan nie...maar ek hoop en weet dat die liefde wat julle vir mekaar het en die liefde wat ander vir julle het net MOET help. Lief jou baie swaer...;)
I'm very sad for your loss. Being a 'motherless child' as well as a 'childless mother' it is impossible for me to know the extent of your pain. I have friends who went through a similar experience, only at 26 weeks, and they were expecting twins. They are people who make a difference in the world, people with so much love to give...almost 10 years later there still is no answer to the big 'why' question.
the title of your blog says it all: LIFE MATTERS
Selma Albasini
Hey Ricus,
I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your son. I have been trying to come up with the "right" words to say to you for a few days now, but the reality is that there is nothing that I could say or do that would be "right". Picking up on your advise I would like to offer my ears though, so I will try and visit your blog as often as I can.
Rikus, I hope that you and your family, in time, can move-on from this very sad place where you are now. I hope that a time will come in the future when thoughts of your son won't just bring tears, but also a few smiles.
Our thoughts are with you, and hope to see you soon.
Henk
Dankie Henk. Ek beplan om in my volgende blog die nuutste nuus te gee oor hoe dit gaan
Hi Rikus en Heleen,
Dis werklik hartverskeurend - ek kan my nie indink nie! Veral juis nou is ek ekstra emosioneel oor die kleinste dingetjie en wil nie weet hoe so iets aan jou hart ruk en bly ruk nie. Dankie vir die deel. Dink aan julle - baie sterkte!
Corlia
Thanks for sharing your experience. I particularly appreciate the pointers on how grieving parents need to be treated. So often one is at a loss as to what to say and is scared to do the wrong thing to add to the grief - if I talk about it, would it hurt? ... if I ignore it, would it seem as if I don't care? ... what if I say the wrong thing? But your comments show clearly that it is not so hard at all: just be there for your friends who are grieving, let them talk, and do not forget that the loss is going to be there for a long long time!
You are very bold in sharing these personal feelings - but I am sure it will help many who have never been in your shoes to be more sensitive and understanding.
Hi Ricus
Ek was baie hartseer toe ek jou blog lees. Ek en John het n babatjie op 11 weke en 6 dae verloor. Ek kan nie dink hoe dit moes wees op 36 weke nie. Ek is net bly dat julle die Here in julle huwelik en lewens het, so iets kan en wil n mens nie op jou eie verwerk nie. Ek dink aan julle. Ek glo die seer sal julle altyd bybly.
En dan heel laaste bid ek vir julle en almal wat al babas verloor het.
Voorspoed vir jou en jou vrou!
Tessa,
Dit verstom my hoeveel mense iets soortgelyk deurgegaan het as ons sonder dat ons dit ooit geweet het! Dit wil vir my voorkom asof meeste mense verkies om nie daaroor te praat nie. Ek kan persoonlik nie die bestaan van die kind ontken nie al wil ek ook. Hy het 'n naam gehad en identiteit. Ek het gelees dat een uit drie swangerskaape eindig in 'n miskraam. Daar is baie mense wat met baie seer rondloop en niemand weet daarvan nie!
Anonymous said...
To be faced with facts of losing a child brings us to face ourselves and the way we view life in a new dimension. Very few has come back from life to comfort or to warn us of the unseen world.
The mere loss is to much to bear and to deal with that one cannot carry on with one's own life until you have made peace with yourself. This peace will have to pass all human understanding to carry you through every moment of each day.
Life is sacred and precious is is also temporary it is given to us as a gift. When we lose part of us we need to fill the gap but grief and sorrow seem to steal and fill our hearts to capacity.
I cannot say I have lost a child. There was a time when I though I would be separated from one of my children and I can say that the grief was real and painful.
There was one person whom helped me through my thoughts and He has touched me in a way that has helped me to understand things from a eternal perspective. In today's society every thing has to be fixed quickly and paid for in full. Unable to replace someone we love leaves us open to thoughts we find difficult to deal with. The media is entertaining but is seems to shy away from issues that we cannot explain or causes us pain we cannot deal with.
Death is final and is real as a baby being born the curse of sin has been with us for a long time but Jesus Christ whom is accustomed to grief and pain has become the curse for us that we do not have to die the second time.
I salute Ricus and Heleen whom has from all accounts I have heard gone through this terrible ordeal and grown they have come into their own as a mother a father and a couple to stand as a memorial for many to see that they were able to come before their maker and display His character in a time least expected. I also want to thank all whom have supported them and you know whom you are when there was no words to say no more tears to shed, you were there.
Sjoe! Ek het vanmiddag jou blog gelees ... weer tot stilstand geroep met die emosionele belaaide woorde. Ek dink dis great dat jy die blog begin het, dit laat 'n mens ook dinge van jul kant af sien. Dis 'n baie groot ding waardeur jul is, met die beklemtoning deur is. Kyk alreeds die vrug wat jy dra deurdat jy hierdie pyn konstruktief verwerk. 'n Mens kies nooit vir hierdie goed om oor 'n mens se pad te kom nie, maar die punt is, dit het, en kyk hoe mooi kies jy om daarop te reageer!!! Briljant!" Corene
Ricus, Ek is sommer 3 v/d 4 emosies op een slag. Bly en trots dat jy toevallig opgepop het op fbchat. Baie hartseer om te lees van jul groot verlies. En bang want ek weet nie hoe ek so iets sou hanteer nie.
Baie dankie dat jy besluit het om dit met die bree wereld te deel. Ek sit hier in die studeerkamer en spitsmy ore ekstra hard om vir alet'jie te probeer luister. My vrou het boekklub en dit gaan vrolik in die sitkamer. Ek is op diens en ek het skielik gekies om dit met 'n blymoedige hart te doen!
Baie sterkte vir jou en Heleen.
Beste wense
- Gerhard
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