Dankbaarheid

Na 'n lang afwesigheid wil ek net my dagboek opdateer.


Die lewe gee almal van ons soms 'n paar opstoppers. Ons moes die afgelope jaar en 'n half cope met ons seun, Erik, se dood. Alhoewel ons nog baie aan hom dink en hom mis, is die verlange al baie beter.
Soms behandel die lewe jou ook goed:Om met twee kinders te cope in die huis is nogal 'n aanpassing, maar ons geniet hulle albei ongelooflik baie op verskillende maniere. Hulle helder jou dag op en jou eie kinders is mos maar vir jou die oulikste. Mia geniet haar baba sussie, Anja, baie en hul speel baie lekker. Sy is mal daaroor om stories te lees vir Anja.
Ek en Heleen is geseen in soveel aspekte van ons lewe: finansieel, ons geniet ons beroepe en kan onself daar uitleef en dit gaan baie goed met ons huwelik om net 'n paar te noem. Dis in die tye wat mens moet besef hoe dankbaar jy moet wees vir alles in jou lewe.
Ek het ook onlangs besef hoe dankbaar ek moet wees dat Heleen nog lewe, nadat twee uit die drie van haar swangerskappe komplikasies moontlikm fataal kon gewees het.
Ek het die afgelope tyd 'n vrou ontmoet wat ondanks die feit dat sy aan 'n ongeneeslike siekte ly,in dankbaar lewe. Dit was vir my 'n geweldige inspirasie, want ek twyfel of ek nog so positief sal kan bly as my lewensomstandighede ewe skielik dramaties moet verander.
As die Here so goed is vir ons, kom die volgende vraag by my op: Wat kan ek vir ander beteken om 'n sinvolle en betekenisvolle verskil te maak in hulle lewe?
Dis 'n vraag waarmee ek en Heleen elke dag aan dink en bespreek en ons het besluit om by gemeenskaps projekte betrokke te raak. Verder voel ons dat die Here mense oor jou pad bring met 'n spesifieke doel. Hoe gaan ons daaroop reageer?
Soms wil mense net gehoor word, soms het hulle iets nodig. Die belangrikste is om op ander mense se behoeftes ingestel te wees. Dit is nie maklik nie, aangesien mens soms vasgevang is in jou eie leefwereld. Dit is juis dan wat jy uit jou comfort zone moet uitbeweeg en doen wat jy weet reg is.
Met die dood van Erik (kyk vorige pos) moes ek en Heleen ook besluit hoe ons daarop gaan reageer. Ons moes iets positief daaruit haal, anders was die pyn als verniet. Mens moet die ervaring gebruik om vir ander iets te beteken. Ons het besluit om sy verjaarsdag elke jaar te vier deur presente vir minder bevoorregte kinders te skenk wat Erik s'n sou gewees het. Ons wil graag vir Mia en Anja betrokke maak in hierdie projek.
Ek was onlangs ook geinspireer deur Mandela dag waar soveel mense uitgereik het om vir 67 minute iets te doen binne die gemeenskap vir die gemeenskap.

Anja se geboorte

Aangesien ek die blog ook gebruik vir 'n dagboek vir my nageslag, wil ek graag die afgelope paar weke vasvang in 'n opsomming:

Aangesien Heleen 2 uiters moeilike swangerskappe reeds beleef het, het die ginokoloog besluit om Heleen vroeg op te neem in die hospitaal en haar te monitor vir 'n week lank. Dit was 'n moeilike besluit want jy wil nie te lank wag nie, maar ook nie vir Anja te vroer uithaal nie. Hulle het besluit om haar uit te haal op 34 weke.

Ek moes natuurlik na Mia omsien met die hulp van Oumas en Oupas. Hierdie was 'n uiters stresvolle tyd, aangesien Heleen baie hoe risiko was en dat daar geen waarborge was vir 'n suksesvolle bevalling nie al was sy in die hospitaal. Met 'n volledige abruptio soos wat met Erik gebeur het, sou die hospitaal ook nie Anja se lewe kon red nie.

Eindelik het die dag aangebreek. Heleen sou die eerste pasient wees die oggend. Ek was ongelooflik op my senuwees. Ek moes 'n groen pakkie aantrek met kots daarop en 'n hoedjie op my kop. Ek het belaglik gelyk. Toe hulle haar kom haal het, het die emosies my heeltemal oorweldig..al die maande se stres en spanning het te veel geraak vir my.

Ek het in die teater by Heleen gesit en kon niks sien wat hulle doen nie. Die narkotiseer het Heleen lokaal verdoof. Heleen se sy kon voel hoe hul deur alles sny, maar het geen pyn ervaar nie. Ek het nie gekyk nie, maar was geweldig verlig toe ons haar hoor skreeu. Dit was maar lelik: bloed en guts, maar Anja was perfek. Hulle het haar onmiddelik suurstof gegee en geweeg: 1.9 kg , maar sy sou nog 10% verloor gedurende haar tyd by die neonatale eenheid. Anja sou nog 2 weke in die neonatale eenheid bly.

Sy het die eerste ruk baie gesukkel met haar longe en sy het CPAP ontvang. Dit is 'n masjien wat suurstof in haar longe inblaas deur haar neus en lyk amper soos 'n snorkel.

Verder het sy geel geraak en ook vergeet om asem te haal van tyd tot tyd. Paar dae na haar geboorte het sy ook erg begin desatureer .(longe verloor die kapasiteit om suurstof op te neem)

Na die einde van die eerste week het dinge egter verbeter met hier en daar weer 'n terugslag. Heleen is ook ontslaan uit die hospitaal, maar was maar die heeltyd langs Anja se broeikas. Ons het alles weer ervaar in die tyd toe Mia ook vroeggebore was. In die dag het Heleen vir Anja vasgehou en ek in die aande. Sy is so vrek klein en broos. Mens besef nie aldag die wonder van die pratige lewe nie. Ons het onmiddellik lief geraak vir Anja en elke klein vordering dop gehou.

Gisteraand het Heleen ingeslaap by die hospitaal om vanoggend ontslaan te raak. Ons kan nie meer wag om haar by die huis te he nie. Dit is nou al drie weke vandat Heleen in die hospitaal opgeneem is. Heleen se vir my sy soek iets van Erik in Anja, want hulle kom dan van dieselfde plek af: Die hemel. Een lewe is weggevat en 'n ander is weer gegee aan ons, maar die kosbare lewe van Anja kan nie die leemte van Erik wegvat nie. Ons voel dat ons drie kinders moet he, nie twee nie. Ons was beroof.

Anja is nou deel van ons nuwe gesin. Mia is so opgewonde oor Anja..sy kon nie slaap gisteraand nie. Vanoggend eerste ding se sy: Anja kom vandag!! 'n Nuwe fase van ons lewe begin vandag. Ons kan nie meer wag nie!!

Een jaarherdenking

Vandag is die een jaar herdenking na Erik se dood. Ek onthou dit nog soos gister.

Heleen het gisteraand 'n koek gebak vir Erik se verjaarsdag tussen die trane deur. Shame, sy het baie moeite gedoen en die koek lyk pragtig.

Al die ou emosies het terug gekom. Heleen was van vooraf kwaad. Sy se dat sy was veronderstel om die koek te bak met 'n stout seuntjie wat al onder haar voete moes gewees het. Heleen het die dag afgevat by die werk en ek neem aan sy het weer kersies laat brand by die huis.

Ons gaan selfs 'n partytjie hou vanaand en van Mia se maaitjies uitnooi om saam koek te eet. Veel geluk liewe maaitjie se woorde is egter nie toepaslik vir Erik se verjaarsdag nie. Ons het vandag heelwat oproepe gekry van vriende en familie wat onthou het dat dit Erik se herdenkingsdag is.

Ek kan nie help om te dink hoe dit sou wees om 'n seuntjie te gehad het nie. Heleen en Mia het so baie ingemeen en Mia is 'n presies ewe beeld van haar Ma, 'n mini me. Hulle praat meisie goed en albei is baie girlie-girlie! Soms voel ek uitgesluit.

Heleen is nou al amper 29 weke swanger. Die vorige scan het aangedui dat Anja se ontwikkeling agter was en dat die plasenta se bloedtoevoer onreelmatig was. Die laaste scan lyk egter beter!

Die geskeduleerde datum vir geboorte is 29 April wat oor bietjie meer is as 'n maand. Anja sal dan 34 weke oud wees. Die vervroegde datum is a.g.v. hoe risiko. Heleen is maar ongemaklik en slaap moeilik in die aande. Die gewone geswelde voete en lyfseer. Dit is steeds 'n stresvolle tyd vir ons totdat ons 'n gesonde kind gaan kry. Tot dan hoop ons vir die beste.

Ons het so maand terug geskrik toe Heleen haar bewussyn verloor het en ek haar hospitaal toe moes neem, maar die kind was oriaat..emosioneel tough, aangesien sy in dieselfde kamer was waar Erik oorlede was en hulle weer gesukkel het om 'n hartklop te vind!! Sy is die volgende dag weer ontslaan.

Ons sal seker later vandag Erik se nissie by die kerk besoek en 'n blommetjie daar neersit.

Nuwe lewe

Ek het besluit om oor te slaan na Afrikaans, aangesien ek voel ek my beter kan in my moedertaal uitdruk en dat ek die blog skryf meer vir myself as vir ander.

Heleen het sedertdien in 'n diep donker pit verval. Een waaruit sy moeilik uitkom. Een aand het 'n Engel aan haar verskyn. Sy kon dit eers nie glo nie, maar hoe langer sy gekyk het hoe sekerder was sy dat dit wel een was. Die Engel het vlerke gehad maar daar was geen kop nie. Ek glo dat dit 'n Engel van hoop was wat vir ons 'n goeie tyding kom bring. (Klink dit bekend- veral in Kersfees tyd?)

Dit was ook duidelik dat Engele nie sommer aan enige iemand sal verskyn nie en dat daar 'n besondere roeping aan Heleen toevertrou word. Dit is juis die feit dat die Engel aan Heleen verskyn in 'n tyd dat sy dit die nodigste gehad het wat 'n impak op ons gehad het. Die Engel se verskyning is ook bevestig deur my suster (wat besondere spirituele gawes het) wat die Engel kon aanvoel het.

Ek en Heleen het lank gewik en geweeg of ons weer swanger wou wees na die tragiese dood van Erik, ons tweede kind. Nadat ons die moontlikheid bespreek het met die ginokoloog het, het ons wel besluit om weer te probeer. Die besluit was geweldig moeilik, aangesien ons geweet het die baba sal hoe risiko wees.

Sommer vroeg in die swangerskap was ons paranoies! Elke pyn het ons gedink daar is iets fout met die kind, maar al die besoeke tot dusver aan die ginokoloog dui op 'n gesonde baba.

Kersfees 2009 was veral vir Heleen 'n moeilike tyd, aangesien dit die tyd was waar sy haar twee kindes by haar sou gehad het. Ons het weliswaar 'n kers vir Erik gebrand om ons te herhinder aan hom. Ons het ook besluit om dit vir die res van ons lewe te doen tydens Kersfees.

Vir my is daar troos in ons derde swangerskap. Die hoop dat ons wel 'n maaitjie vir Mia kan gee. Alhoewel ons almal gedink het Mia sal op haar jeugdige ouderdom (4 jaar) vinnig sou vergeet het van haar boetie se dood, is dit sy wat ons amper daagliks herhinder dat haar boetie in die hemel is. Sy het egter geen begrip van hoe permanent die dood is nie, aangesien sy wil weet wanneer hy terug kom om met haar te kom speel.

Die swangerskap gaan egter maar moeilik. Ek troos Heleen altyd daaraan dat dit is 9 maande van hel vir 'n leeftyd se plesier. Heleen is steeds baie naar, maar gooi darem nie meer so gereeld soos in die eerste trimester nie. Boonop is sy nog siek met iets wat soos gastritus lyk. Om te werk en swanger te wees sonder 'n gereelde huisbediende is ook geen grap nie. Ek is egter ook bly om te sien dit gaan nou beter met Heleen se gemoed en dat sy uit die donker pit is!



Ek het hierdie week die eerste skop gevoel! Dit bly vir my nog een van die grootste wonderwerke hoe iemand kan lewe binne iemand anders. Dit is amper soos een of ander Alien fliek waar die Aliens uit jou maag uitpeul. Lewe soos ons agter gekom het, is baie broos en God kan enige oomblik besluit hy wil die kind weer terug neem. Ons kinders word net aan ons geleen.

Ek raak elke week meer opgewonde oor die nuwe lewe en hoe die baba ons lewe gaan verander. Ek het na Erik se dood, baie meer simpatie met Heleen se swangerskap as met die twee vorige swangerskappe. Ek is ook seker daarvan dat ek die baba ook meer gaan waardeer as hy/sy eers gebore word. Watch this space!

Being a life partner

At last, I have found the love of my life! Now for the difficult part! How am I going to keep her and stay connected to her?



Unfortunately, falling in love does not last forever! There must come a time when the daily tasks start kicking in. In most cases this comes along with a complete disillusionment with marriage:

• The two parties sees things that they did not know from each other and do not like.
  


• The huge discrepancy between how man and woman interact and differ from each other.



• Adapting to the new environment. (Especially for a guy like me that has been used to living on my own for so long)



• Dealing with conflict between two very angry people



• Getting to grips with your own shortfalls as a partner
  

We knew from an early stage that our love for each other is not always enough to stay connected through difficult times during our marriage. I felt at times we were riding a roller coaster: Just as I thought things are going really well, something would happen and things would come crushing down, with conflict the end result. Conflict of course, is not necessary a bad thing. At least it shows that we care enough to resolve our issues, but the important thing is how we deal with it. A few pointers:

• Resolving the matter during a fight is of no use. Wait until things have calmed down and then speak to each other




• Stay with the matter at hand: Do not try and bring up matters that belongs to the past!




• Try and see things through your partner's point of view




• Stop trying to be always right! Would you rather be right or happily married?




• Be honest with yourself! Ask yourself: What am I doing to make the situation worse?




• Do not go to bed at night still being angry at your partner
  
  Both of us had to make a lot of changes to make the marriage work. Keeping the magic alive in a marriage needs to be intentional. This is difficult for most men, but especially for me. I tend to focus on other things that is not that important.

With the birth of our first child, more pressure was put on our marriage: A non-stop-screaming baby, late at night, with less than enough hours sleep and arguing whose turn it is, is not conducive to having a stress-free marriage!

We had to find quality time to spend with each other away from Mia, our daughter. We had to rekindle the flame! This is a mistake I see in a lot of couples: They get so involved in their children lives, that they forgot what was the original reason why they got children in the first place: Their love for each other. Children can so easily take way all the precious time away from each other. The best thing you can do for your children is love one another!

Intimacy in a marriage is vital to staying connected. With out it, you are just two friends sharing the same space. For me, it means more than sex. It means to share all the different aspects of life with each other: emotional, mental, spiritual, physical and social. Intimacy is something that intentionally should be seeked after. I find that a lot of people struggle to find intimacy in their relationship. I wonder: Is it because the closer you come to somebody, the greater the chance for pain? It is the fear of pain that prevents us from having true intimacy.

Another important aspect to being a life partner is deciding how to define the different roles in a relationship: Modern society has made this extremely difficult: Financial pressure has forced both couples to work. Heleen has to juggle too many balls: Taking responsibility for Mia and house hold, working a full time job, being a good wife to me, dealing with family issues, cooking and cleaning. Surely, I cannot watch, while she is doing everything. I cannot believe how domesticated I have become. I had to do jobs that I thought was preserved for woman only. I did not do it because I Iiked it. I did it because I love my wife and I need to fill her needs. It does not make me less of a man.

Just as things between me and Heleen were looking great, we had to face our next obstacle: The stillborn of our second child. Grieve is such a terrible thing! It can absorb all your thoughts and take over your life. I have read that 85% of marriages, where they have lost a child, end up in divorce. I can understand that easily: We interpreted our son's death completely differently. I was in denial the first few months and Heleen was utterly grieve-stricken. We started leading separate lives. Each one was dealing with the pain on his/her own way.Our marriage were going down-hill at a rapid pace!

We finally shared together how we felt and looked at the dead baby's photos for some kind of closure. We decided together that we need to pull up our socks and look life full in the eye and turn to each other for help. We decided to change the small things in life and it had a enormous positive impact on our marriage:

• Touching each other, holding hands and giving hugs regularly



• Spending more quality time together and switching of the T.V



• Greeting each other with a kiss and asking the other person how your day was.



• Praying together



• Keeping a gratitude diary: We had to mention something positive about the other person and say what you are thankful for after each day and then share it with each other. This enhance a positive attitude towards life and your partner and creates more positive things and also the ability to recognize more positive things in your life.

I can honestly say that we have grown a lot as individuals and as a couple. The knocks we have taken, like losing a child, has made us stronger. Without the help of God we also probably would not have made it, because I know a lot of people have prayed for us during these tough times.When you choose to intentionally spend effort on your marriage you will experience the pay off. Anything worth doing in life is worth working for and having happy relationships is the key to happiness in life.

"Before you get married, keep both eyes open, and after you marry, close one eye"

Feel free to post your comments below on other secrets to being a good life partner! I am always open for new ideas!

How to find a life partner

I started off my blog very hectic and I think we need a topic that is slightly more light hearted.

This is such an important topic, since so many people that I speak to, manage to get this completely wrong. I believe this is the most important earthly choice you have to make, because it should be an everlasting choice. You can always get a new job!

What makes me the expert? Well, I am not. However, I am indeed happily married and I certainly did a couple of things right and a lot of things wrong that we can learn from:

I already started at preschool with my first encounter with the opposite sex, when a much older girl decided to play doctor-doctor with me. Wow, lucky me! Just a pity I was to young to appreciate it!
I think from that day on I was intrigue with girls.
I was much older when I fell in love for the first time: Ah yes, falling in love..the ability to fly high in the clouds...everything is wonderfull, you cannot stop smiling...life is bliss.

Here comes the first lesson in choosing a life partner: You are at your most vulnerable when you are in love, because you cannot think straight. You do not have the ability to see the person for whom she/he is and you do not want to see it. Give yourself time to know the the other person's worst side. Look carefully for signs that you cannot live with on the long term.

I dated and went out with a lot of girls in my lifetime. So much, I cannot recall half of their names, only albums full of unidentified girls. I do not regret anything. Each one taught me something about myself and something about what I would like to see in a life partner and something I would not like to see in a life partner. Some could have been my life partner, but I was either to young or looking for something else. (Getting lucky?)

When I got older, it was the other way around. I thought I met Mrs Right, but they were not ready. Sometimes finding a life partner is all about meeting the right person at the right time of your life.
If you clearly see this person is a misfit..move on..Do not waste precious time to find the right one just because it is convenient to stay with the wrong one...I find that out, the hard way.

As time went by, I came closer to find the right one, because I got to know myself better. You can't decide what you want if you do not know yourself well. Give yourself time to regroup after a failed relationship, because you can put yourself at risk by being needy and overly anxious and then find yourself in a wrong relationship again. Work at your mistakes you have made during past failed relationships. I found out that most girls complained about the same things about me. Surely, then the complaints was valid and I had to do something about it!

At 32 years old I was still a bachelor and if I may add, a horrible one: Completely undomesticated and still looking for Mrs Right! I was thinking: Am I going to eat my own terrible food, not even fit for a dog, for the rest of my life?
Next lesson: Do not hate being single! Embrace every moment! Love comes when you least expect it. However, try and make your life love friendly. Staying with your parents in a single bed and never coming out of your home is not really improving your chances to find your true love is it? Get yourself out there!! Which takes me to my next point: Where to find a life partner?

Finding a life partner in the city is really tough, but I believe there is certain things you can do to increase your chances. Drinking in a bar every night might increase your chance to get lucky for a one night stand, but not finding your soul mate.
Here is some pointers:

• Hang out at places where you can find somebody that shares the same interest, for example: gym, church, book clubs,


• Among your friends; friends who know friends


• Accept invitations to parties, even if you do not want to go

I met my wife at a bible study group, while I was dating somebody else at the time. I was blown away from the first moment I met her. I have never seen such a beautiful girl in my life. After I broke up with the other girl, I started dating Heleen.

She had all the characteristics I was looking for: generous, love for children, booming with self-confidence, sociable, great cook, loving, kind-hearted, knew what she wanted in life, hard-working, high integrity, unselfish, good Christian morals, good communicator, emotionally and intellectually intelligent, loyal and trustworthy. (It is 6 years down the line and I still feel the same about her.)

We fitted like a glove. It was like an angel fell from the sky..the long waiting was over. The easy part was over, I was ready for the next adventure of my life: How to keep a life partner

Stay updated for my next blog

Not for the faint hearted!

I started this blog by stating that I want to address the serious issues in life: I am going to start off by describing the last couple of months of my life and then see if we can take some life lessons from it.



On 25 March 2009 my pregnant wife woke up with terrible pains on her stomach, since she was very close to her due date, we immediately thought she was having the baby and I rushed her to the hospital. When we came there, they could not feel a pulse and declared the 36 week year old baby dead. The gynaecologist said my wife was in great danger, as her whole stomach was drenched in blood. Luckily they could save my wife, but not my son.

Later that day, they took me and my wife to see the dead baby. It was the most traumatic moment in my life! I cried from the bottom of my heart: I cried for all the lost dreams, I cried for all the special moments that would be lost forever between me and my son, I cried for the perfectly sculpted boy with no heart beat, whom I loved but never knew.

I never knew how that day would impact my life for the next couple of months:

• How differently I would look at other fathers playing with their baby sons
• Dealing with the grieving process (or not dealing with it-even worse)
• How difficult it would be to cope with the loss: a part of your own identity has died with the child.
• Dealing with my grieving wife and the huge impact on our marriage
• Finding my wife in the middle of the night; crying over the dead baby's photos
• Facing our best friends,that was pregnant with their son at the same time
• Facing people that was greatly unsensitive towards us and what we were going through
• How long it would take to get over the loss (and is still taking)

So what can this story mean for you, my dear blogger? Is there any lessons to be learnt?

Yes I think so, firstly that if you read the above story there must be some kind of new appreciation for life and that birth to a new born baby is not a given. Life can be taken away from you at any given time and we should live life to the fullest every day! Parents, appreciate your children and see them as life's biggest blessing!

Secondly, I think nobody actually knows how to deal with parents who had such a traumatic lose, like a death of child. So just a few pointers:

• Do not try and be smart and think you know what they are going through, because you don't!
• Sympathize: In most cases these parents would like to talk about their lose and it is good for the grieving process. Listening is your main job!
• If it is good friends of yours or close family: Phone or visit them regularly, long after the event. Ask them how are they coping?

Lastly, see your own problems in perspective: There are always people with a bigger heartache then yourself. There would always be another boy/girlfriend in time, your finances would get better over time and nobody will remember the things you did or said in a couple of months.

Why blog?

I think it is very important to start off with why I want to be a blogger and to establish what kind of blogger I would like to be. To write, just for the sake of writing is a waste of time, surely! I would like to make a difference in how people think, because if I can change their thinking, I can change their way of looking at the world and the way people treat each other.

Most blogs seems to be to lighthearted for my taste, however I do see the need for them too!
However I would like to address the big issues in life: Those things that determines your outlook on life. The big choices one has to make that determines the rest of your life: Choosing your religion; choosing a life partner and choosing a career. These are some of the factors that I would regard as important and something worthwhile to write about.

If I read any blog, I acknowledge that this person has taken the trouble to take time to write something and I have taken time to read it. Therefore I would appreciate if anybody read my blog would also take the time to leave a comment in Afrikaans and English, so that we can interact and enrich our lives.