Being a life partner

At last, I have found the love of my life! Now for the difficult part! How am I going to keep her and stay connected to her?



Unfortunately, falling in love does not last forever! There must come a time when the daily tasks start kicking in. In most cases this comes along with a complete disillusionment with marriage:

• The two parties sees things that they did not know from each other and do not like.
  


• The huge discrepancy between how man and woman interact and differ from each other.



• Adapting to the new environment. (Especially for a guy like me that has been used to living on my own for so long)



• Dealing with conflict between two very angry people



• Getting to grips with your own shortfalls as a partner
  

We knew from an early stage that our love for each other is not always enough to stay connected through difficult times during our marriage. I felt at times we were riding a roller coaster: Just as I thought things are going really well, something would happen and things would come crushing down, with conflict the end result. Conflict of course, is not necessary a bad thing. At least it shows that we care enough to resolve our issues, but the important thing is how we deal with it. A few pointers:

• Resolving the matter during a fight is of no use. Wait until things have calmed down and then speak to each other




• Stay with the matter at hand: Do not try and bring up matters that belongs to the past!




• Try and see things through your partner's point of view




• Stop trying to be always right! Would you rather be right or happily married?




• Be honest with yourself! Ask yourself: What am I doing to make the situation worse?




• Do not go to bed at night still being angry at your partner
  
  Both of us had to make a lot of changes to make the marriage work. Keeping the magic alive in a marriage needs to be intentional. This is difficult for most men, but especially for me. I tend to focus on other things that is not that important.

With the birth of our first child, more pressure was put on our marriage: A non-stop-screaming baby, late at night, with less than enough hours sleep and arguing whose turn it is, is not conducive to having a stress-free marriage!

We had to find quality time to spend with each other away from Mia, our daughter. We had to rekindle the flame! This is a mistake I see in a lot of couples: They get so involved in their children lives, that they forgot what was the original reason why they got children in the first place: Their love for each other. Children can so easily take way all the precious time away from each other. The best thing you can do for your children is love one another!

Intimacy in a marriage is vital to staying connected. With out it, you are just two friends sharing the same space. For me, it means more than sex. It means to share all the different aspects of life with each other: emotional, mental, spiritual, physical and social. Intimacy is something that intentionally should be seeked after. I find that a lot of people struggle to find intimacy in their relationship. I wonder: Is it because the closer you come to somebody, the greater the chance for pain? It is the fear of pain that prevents us from having true intimacy.

Another important aspect to being a life partner is deciding how to define the different roles in a relationship: Modern society has made this extremely difficult: Financial pressure has forced both couples to work. Heleen has to juggle too many balls: Taking responsibility for Mia and house hold, working a full time job, being a good wife to me, dealing with family issues, cooking and cleaning. Surely, I cannot watch, while she is doing everything. I cannot believe how domesticated I have become. I had to do jobs that I thought was preserved for woman only. I did not do it because I Iiked it. I did it because I love my wife and I need to fill her needs. It does not make me less of a man.

Just as things between me and Heleen were looking great, we had to face our next obstacle: The stillborn of our second child. Grieve is such a terrible thing! It can absorb all your thoughts and take over your life. I have read that 85% of marriages, where they have lost a child, end up in divorce. I can understand that easily: We interpreted our son's death completely differently. I was in denial the first few months and Heleen was utterly grieve-stricken. We started leading separate lives. Each one was dealing with the pain on his/her own way.Our marriage were going down-hill at a rapid pace!

We finally shared together how we felt and looked at the dead baby's photos for some kind of closure. We decided together that we need to pull up our socks and look life full in the eye and turn to each other for help. We decided to change the small things in life and it had a enormous positive impact on our marriage:

• Touching each other, holding hands and giving hugs regularly



• Spending more quality time together and switching of the T.V



• Greeting each other with a kiss and asking the other person how your day was.



• Praying together



• Keeping a gratitude diary: We had to mention something positive about the other person and say what you are thankful for after each day and then share it with each other. This enhance a positive attitude towards life and your partner and creates more positive things and also the ability to recognize more positive things in your life.

I can honestly say that we have grown a lot as individuals and as a couple. The knocks we have taken, like losing a child, has made us stronger. Without the help of God we also probably would not have made it, because I know a lot of people have prayed for us during these tough times.When you choose to intentionally spend effort on your marriage you will experience the pay off. Anything worth doing in life is worth working for and having happy relationships is the key to happiness in life.

"Before you get married, keep both eyes open, and after you marry, close one eye"

Feel free to post your comments below on other secrets to being a good life partner! I am always open for new ideas!